Thanksgiving with the Henry’s
I’m having dinner with Adrienne’s dad’s family at his house over in Marco island. It’s always nice to come over here and there is some great weather to boot. Here’s a shot from the backyard.
I’m having dinner with Adrienne’s dad’s family at his house over in Marco island. It’s always nice to come over here and there is some great weather to boot. Here’s a shot from the backyard.
November 27th, 2008 at 11:14 am
A lot of people have asked me how the Boca Mullanes enjoy the traditional holiday of “Thanksgiving.” The answer is simple. We do not. Celebrating a holiday that encourages blind appreciation for everything and anything in a person’s life diminishes the rare instances that a person is truly thankful for something, i.e. when that person is pulled from a well they may have fallen into. Giving thanks is also a sign of weakness. It shows that you are placing yourself in situations in which you cannot depend on yourself and, thus, must rely on others to do things for you. At Bridlewood Court, we choose instead to celebrate our own holiday called “Resourcefulnacht,” which is a Germlish hybrid word that roughly translates to “Night of Resourcefulness” in English.
Resourcefulnacht is both a holiday and a small series of challenges for children. You can think of it as a dinner theatre with the theatre element being replaced by a string of events that include: knot-tying, bong loading and unloading, hand-to-hand combat using common household cleaning items, juggling, and a cooking challenge not unlike television’s “Top Chef” program*. In my teenage years, I was the knot-tying champion of Resourcefulnacht six years in a row. It remains one of my proudest achievements and also led to my inheritance of Supreme Sealcoat.
Dinner on Resourcefulnacht is quite similar to a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. We eat turkey, as most Americans do, but unlike Thanksgiving celebrants, we actually earn our keep. Two weeks before Resourcefulnacht, the Mullane men are dispatched into the forest where they hunt for wild turkeys with Yeats the dog. Once the largest winged beast is found, it is then dispatched with a bow and arrow and returned to the farm for preparation. After the turkey is cleaned and ready to cook, it is placed in a smoking pit two feet into the ground and buried there until Resourcefulnacht. This ensures that the turkey will be deliciously moist for all to enjoy. The children may only eat on Resourcefulnacht if they win one of the events, which adds an extra layer of pressure to the proceedings. Mullanes also enjoy a sweet potato casserole topped with marshmallows.
Whether you celebrate Thanksgiving or Resourcefulnacht, I commend you on controlling the turkey population in America. Should they be allowed to reproduce unchecked, this nation would be overrun by turkeys.
November 27th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Picked up a digital camera the other day, just in time for the holidays. I hope the guy who owns it doesn’t miss it too much.
I took my motorized scooter out for a little ride over the weekend. Riding that thing in the cold November air makes me feel like a champion. It’s tiny and red and helps me get ladies better than a puppy, which reminds me that I need to feed Yeats. I rode all over town and ended up with fifteen phone numbers. One of the broads didn’t even have most of her teeth. I’m going to call her first.
I’ve been sick the past few days. I guess it serves me right. I just can’t say no to all of those free flu shots for seniors.
The main problem with being sick is that I feel like crap. My body’s always either too hot or too cold and I keep on running to the bathroom to throw up. I know what you’re saying: “Hey Brian, didn’t you pay for pills twenty years ago that made you do the exact same thing?” Well the answer’s yes and I don’t appreciate your tone. The fact of the matter is, I’ve sworn off pills altogether so I can’t even take aspirin to make this craziness go away. You know how it starts—first I start taking two aspirin every four hours and then I’m taking four extra-strength aspirin every two hours and all of a sudden I’m taking six uppers with a chaser of three downers and I’m walking around the mall dressed like the Easter Raccoon. It’s not pretty and parents really don’t appreciate it, no matter how nice you are to the kids. I guess I’ll just have to ride this flu out until I get better. Wish me luck.
Big day down at the Soup Kitchen today. I’m bringing my elbow pads because I got roughed up pretty bad last time. Not this year. I’m going to be first in line for that stuffing and God help the idiot that tries to get in my way. Brian’s not going to be stuck with just candied carrots again, that’s for sure. I’m going to get some of that bird. You just watch me.
November 27th, 2008 at 11:49 am
I lose my glasses all the time. It drives me nuts. I’ve tried all the gadgets – neck-straps, RecSpecs, etc. – but nothing seems to work. So this week, I’m trying something new. I’m going to take a little crazy glue and glue the bridge of my glasses to the bridge of my nose. That way, I’ll never lose my glasses again. Also, they won’t slip down my nose, which is my second biggest pet peeve about glasses. When I want to take them off for my weekly shower, I’ll jump into the sauna at the Boca YMCA and the glue will just melt away. It’s foolproof. Once I’ve tested it out, I’m going to start selling Brian’s Spectacle Glue all over the country. I’ll make thousands!
Sometimes I wear my glasses to look smart in front of ladies. Other times, I wear them to see better when those ladies bend over.
I don’t understand contact lenses. Who wants to see perfectly all the time? I wear glasses so I can see when I want to see, but when I just want to relax, I can take them off and enjoy the fuzzy. Contacts are a ploy by the eye-care companies to sell you their made-up products like “solution.” Did you ever buy “solution” before contacts were invented? No way. Same thing with “contact cases” and “tissues.” They make you buy their new-fangled contact lenses and on top of that, you’re supposed to buy all of their accessories, too? No thanks. I might look like a sucker when I’m wearing my glasses, but at least I’m not a sucker at heart.
What the hell happened to monocles? That’s one fashion accessory that actually had a purpose. Most eye doctors don’t tell you that only one eye is bad because they want to sell you the full pair of glasses. Monocles are for smart people who had the wherewithal to ask if they really needed two lenses
November 27th, 2008 at 11:54 am
They say the Friday after Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the year. Not for the old Brister. For me, Black Friday’s when I work out all my problems. I don’t need to waste my cash on fancy “therapists” or “court-appointed analysts.” Instead, I just suit up and get ready for battle. That’s how I celebrate the fourth Friday of every November.
This year, I won’t even go to sleep after Thanksgiving. I’ll so jazzed up from the massive portion of cranberry sauce that I cann’t stop pacing. At around 2:30am, I decide it’s time to start getting ready. I’ll wrap my body in newspapers and Black Friday ads until I had a good enough base to know I’d be okay if anybody had a shiv. Then I start gathering my weapons. Instead of brass knuckles (which I always lose), I found these really sharp plastic spider rings that were leftover from Halloween. For poking and tripping, I grabbed a cane from one of the geezers at the soup kitchen. [SIDE NOTE: People underestimate the value of old man weapons. I’m allowed to walk around with a cane anywhere I damn well please and that cane comes in handy, let me tell you. It’s just one of those social conventions that works in favor of the elderly – same goes for early bird senior specials at restaurants.]
So after I got myself ready, I headed over to the mall. That place usually gets rocking at around five in the morning, so I made sure to be there by four to snag a good place in line. I find the toy stores to be the center of the mayhem most years, so I headed there first. All these parents were just foaming at the mouth to get their hands on the latest Cabbage Patch Elmo Pokey-Man Nintendos and I couldn’t wait to get in their way. As soon as the doors opened, I started a stampede. I’ve got old standbys that I yell out to really heat things up. “They’ve only got three left!” “Huge sale in Aisle Five!” “That jerk is taking all of them!” Nobody has any idea what I’m referring to, but they get all worked up nonetheless. Almost right away, people started shoving and pushing and where was I? Right in the middle of all the action.
I started out by poking people with my cane and scratching them with my rings and pretty soon, I didn’t care so much about sales tax or cold weather or paternity suits – all the things that stick in my craw, really. Nobody got seriously injured and all my bottled up feelings just disappeared, so it was a win-win for everyone, in my opinion.
Once I finished at the toy store, I moved on to the electronics stores where I started over from scratch and instigated a whole new riot. It felt great. I’ll tell you what — this is shaping up to be one of the best holiday/therapy seasons of all time.
November 30th, 2008 at 8:51 am
Dear Lord baby Jesus, lying there in your little ghost manger, just looking at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learning about shapes and colors and– We just have so much to be thankful for. Uh, first off, my sons no longer act like retarded gangbangers Also, I got my balls back behind the wheel of a car. And most importantly we thank you for bringing back our nasty, delinquent, pot-dealing daddy to us. For he was lost, but now he is found. Amen.”
November 30th, 2008 at 9:13 am
They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce and Lance and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had!
November 30th, 2008 at 9:27 am
How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze
November 30th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman