Christmas Light Time!
Well my goal this year was to beat everyone to putting up my lights, but due to me being busy as hell and some random tornado warnings, I was just able to get most of the lights up last night.
It looks decent so far but I’m still missing a few things. Here’s a few shots if what it looks like at night presently.
Also, It didn’t even occur to me that my blow up polar bear I got will deflate every night morning when the lights turn off, lol.
December 8th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
I’ve practiced a lot of religions over the years and of all of them, my favorite is still the Fraternal Order of Eternal Christmas. It was a fairly small group that I helped put together in ’83 just outside of Lincoln, Nebraska. The basic tenet was that, for us, Christmas was every single day. We’d wake up every morning and open presents, then we’d all sit around and have a delicious group lunch. At night, we’d have Christmas Eve dinner with goose and stuffing and then we’d go to bed, waiting for the whole thing to happen all over again. I came up with this groovy creation story about Santa being a real man that arose from an elven tribe living among the polar ice caps. People really seemed to dig it. We got about thirty or forty followers before we got shut down by the State of Nebraska. Apparently, people were doing a lot of stealing to keep the religion going financially.
This is going to come as a shock to all of you, so find yourself a recliner and park your caboose in it because here we go: I love Christmas decorations. I do. Lights, mangers, inflatable Santas – you name it, I love it. They remind me of some really great trips I took back in the day.
You know what I found out? Menorahs make great weapons. Just swap out the candles with razor blades and you’re good to go.
If you can’t afford a Christmas turkey from the supermarket, just bag yourself a free Canadian Goose. They’re all over the place and taste very festive.
During the holidays, I like to go to the mall dressed as Santa. You’d be surprised how much free food you get when you’re in costume. Last year I got in a fight with the “real” mall Santa and I kicked his ass back to the North Pole, which, for him, was somewhere out by Altoona. Took a lot of pictures with kids that day and I made a bunch of moola, too.
Listen up, people: I’m going on a little holiday “vacation,” so I don’t know when I’ll next be in front of the old com-pu-ta-dor. Hopefully Customs won’t be too much of a problem this time and I’ll be back in no time with a new balloon collection. Good tidings to all and to all a good fight.
December 8th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Man, the holidays really bum me out. Nobody makes me ham. Nobody bakes me cookies. Nobody buys me presents. I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m not allowed to talk to my family anymore since the fire incident. Before you get all up in arms, let me set the record straight – I didn’t set a fire. I merely took everyone’s presents and threw them into the fireplace when they wouldn’t let me open one of mine early. No big deal, right? One present. That’s all I wanted to open. But no, my family has “rules” and “traditions.” Hogwash. Those squares always overreacted to everything anyway. Who needs ‘em? Not me. I still like presents though, even though I don’t usually get any. That’s why I put together a Holiday Wish List every year. Now that I’m a Syber-World Astronaut, I thought I’d put my HWL (Holiday Wish List) up on the Internets.
My Holiday Wish List 2008
• A really sharp knife. I want one that cuts cans and opens doors.
• Three hundred dollars in unmarked singles. I owe a guy.
• One of those Russian fur hats that they wear in the Kremlin.
• Whale blubber. Don’t question me.
• A Nintendo Wii with additional nunchuk controller and Mario Party 8.
• A collection of discarded teeth with all necessary tools to make a necklace.
• Alpacas. Lots of ‘em.
• My weight in gold-covered chocolate coins.
• An Eye Phone, but keep in mind that I wear glasses sometimes.
If you want to make this the best Christmas ever, go ahead and get me any of the things on this list. I’ll love you forever.